Crap Log

Monkey works at bar

2008-05-14T11:04:00.001-07:00

May have to go on a monkey rescue on the holiday or go for a drink

Bicycle Molestation

2008-05-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

Giving new meaning to Swedish massage, Swedish Man Convicted Of Bicycle Molestation

Iceman + Cheap Trick

2008-05-11T18:16:00.001-07:00

Iceman + Cheap Trick
Where my fascination with the Iceman started, and it had nothing to do with Kiss.

randy gut

2008-04-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

One of the joys of springtime in Calgary is the 20°C swings in temperatures which always makes the proper clothes selection for the day a tricky chore. Luckily when it heats up like it did today, the city is treated to some fine Randy-like shirtlessness by some of the finer physical specimens in town. Those first flashes of a pure white beer gut is like the return of the Canada Geese from the south or the first sign of gopher road kill of spring. Always eager to exhibit the profits of their winter exercise program of cheeseburger eating, often the best displays of the Randy-gut can be spotted while driving through some of the more upscale areas of Bowness, Ogden, the East Village, or Forest Lawn.

My Bloody Valentine

2008-04-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

My Bloody Valentine Finally Coming Back To The States
Is this for real? My Bloody Valentine are playing again? Can they please play somewhere closer to me?

PirateCow

2008-04-22T11:48:00.000-07:00

Fresh as a newly dropped cowpatty, I've added a new site to the Craptastic media empire. Pirate Cow is up and broadcasting. In keeping with the Craptastic brand, quality is job number 4 or 5.

japanese knives

2008-04-21T12:47:00.001-07:00

Maybe I'll buy a couple of knives since my cheapo SuperSuckaStore knife just broke

6 words

2008-04-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

6 words
Liisa tagged me to contribute to the this "describe my life in six words meme". Took me a while to think of something that equalled 6 words. I mean there's lots of shorter descriptions i could throw out there like "consistently inconsistent","results may vary" or even "Douchbaggery-R-Us". But all are less than six words. So after much deliberation I settled on
"Richie Cunningham with a black heart"

Moleskine cities

2008-04-13T18:43:00.000-07:00

Discovered that Moleskine has started to produce city notebooks with maps and info for major cities. Hopefully they'll have the Tokyo one out before i leave. Spidersenses tingling that it may be of use on the trip.

Abe Schmoigle

2008-03-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

Honest Abe
Giving America just what it wants. A viable candidate. Someone free from corruption. A visionary who speaks to the common man...So with a rushed Photoshopped poster, we are pleased to present Abe Schmoigle for president.

That's right. Abe Schmoigle. Pulling your pork America. Would you trust your pork in anyone else's hands?

Possible running mate of Great Mazinga yet to be confirmed.

The Replacements - Bastards of Young

2008-03-02T19:19:00.001-08:00

Brit-Che

2008-02-19T10:01:00.000-08:00

So all my hard work last week working on a crucial political issue that could change human rights worldwide comes to naught. CafePress was concerned about the copyright of my Brit-Che design and put it up for review. Yet another example of how the man is wrongly persecuting poor Brit and keeping the public from knowing about the political tie that binds her politics to Che's. You know, the important stuff like both wore hats and had people chasing them. Not only that but as everyone knows Che had that cool motorcycle and leather jacket like Fonzie and it's only logical that Britney would like totally date the Fonz. She'd be Che's Pinkie Tuscadero and she's even got a pink wig! Yah that's right, they'd dance communism right into your heart with the help of Red Bull and Adipex. Viva la revolution!

Of course there's always spreadshirt.com or I could silkscreen these suckers myself.

Valentine desktop

2008-02-14T10:03:00.001-08:00

Gave up on doing a bunch of variations of desktops because as usual these days too busy to get around to it. So kept it simple with plain black and obligatory splatter versions. Noticing all the points I'd normally clean up but Craptastic is not about quality control.

Valentine Skull desktop plain

Valentine Skull desktop splat

Spread the valentine love

2008-02-01T10:49:00.000-08:00

To all romantics and/or maybe stalkers.

Are you in need of a new mode of expression this Valentine's Day? Something that screams, "My pants are getting tighter thinking about you" but at the same time suggests, "[Bastard/bitch] you gouged my heart out with a rusty spoon". Or maybe you're looking for something as subtle as "Fuck you motherfucker Hallmark holiday". Well look no further because romance is alive and well here at Craptastic. Behold patrons of Eros! It's the Craptastic Valentine Lovefest card free for downloading. A card so enfused with the arts of seduction that you'll feel like you're reliving a special episode of Blossom or maybe Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire. We've sort of forgotten which one.

Anyhoo, the card is formatted for Avery Note Cards in both horizontal and vertical layout. The inside is left pristine so you can release your inner cupid. So get it. Get it now! But worry not all you negligent paramours. Craptastic will be waiting here to bail you out the evening of Feb 14 with that special craptastic message of love.

The Triumph of Bullshit

2008-02-01T05:24:00.000-08:00

infomercial aesthetics from holzman on Vimeo. Via The Triumph of Bullshit

Bootsy!

2008-01-23T08:13:00.000-08:00

Shopping in Vancouver was pretty much a bust except for a couple of CDs I picked up -like the Superbad soundtrack. The music is probably better than the movie as a whole except for any scene with the cops and McLovin. Bootsy Collins is pretty hard to beat on any day. He even makes James Brown better. Witness James Brown "Ain't it Funky Now", Paris 1971. Sound and picture are kind of crappy but worth the 6:02 minutes of your life. And pick up Funk Power 1970: A Brand New Thang while you're at it.

Who's had media training?

2008-01-20T11:45:00.000-08:00

Spot the employee who's had some basic crisis communication training.
They weren't letting anyone through security around 4pm Saturday at the Vancouver airport causing a huge line of edgy passengers wondering if they'd make their flights. No explanation was given until a security officer heading by for a break was asked. His response was the scanning equipment had malfunctioned but should be up shortly. This was followed 5 minutes later by a WestJet employee wandering the lineup saying there was a "security breach" but you'll all make your flights. Luckily, the words security breach didn't cause massive anxiety or a panic in an already uptight crowd. But fuck WestJet get your shit together. Train your people how to interact with a crowd with the basic info that won't potentially incite a riot.

Then there's the contrast of too much info with AirCanada who was completely missing in action.

guitargeek

2008-01-03T15:26:00.000-08:00

Kevin Shields schematic at guitargeek. Curious that they don't have Jimmy Page listed here.

Craptastic new year

2008-01-01T16:13:00.000-08:00

Still deciding if 2007 was good or not. Wasn't really bad although not really good either. Did pick up 2 new bikes but didn't get to ride as much as I wanted. Exotic travel was limited to a road trip to Edmonton. Burnout and stress was very high all year long. So here's hoping that 2008 is a little saner. Or at least I get to ride more.

Also hoping not to hear "join the conversation" ever used again in relation to any online project. EVER.

another new bike...maybe

2007-12-12T09:35:00.000-08:00

Can I make it to 2008 without buying a second bike? Dunno. Anyway, convincing myself that the mtn bike wheels need replacing so why spend that kind of money fixing a 10 year old bike I don't like. Why not buy a new bike! Yeah, I'll take care of it and feed it every day and clean up after it. I promise. Ah why the hell am I asking you, I'm gonna do it anyway.

Still considering other options like Jake the Snake. Mainly for the name because how can a bike that sounds like a WWF wrestler be bad. But like the look of the Jamis Nova Pro a bit better. Parts aren't quite as good as JTS but parts can be swapped. Plus its recommended from my trusted road bike mechanic. Prefer the typeface on the Jamis better than Kona. Type on most Kona stuff reminds me of dude-type from 1995. Have to take a few test drives to see how it handles though. If it's handles as crisp as pudding then forget it.

Also considering the Catlike cheese-grater helmet. Not really fussy about the look of them - look like something out of an anime cartoon. But definitely the most comfortable helmet I've tried recently. Can you resist wearing something catlike on your head? I think not.

The Hanna-Barbera Treasury

2007-11-30T06:40:00.000-08:00

Hint hint. Or just get me a damn gift certificate from Eurotech Cycles on Northmount.

New bike helmet

2007-11-19T18:45:00.000-08:00

Yah I'm looking for a new non-fugly bike helmet. But they all look like I've put a giant mushroom on my head so the pickings are slim. Then by chance, I stumbled on this Czech beret style helmet. Now that's making a statement on a bike. Combined with full lycra kit and a carbon bike, it would have speed written all over it.

November 2

2007-11-02T04:33:00.000-07:00

Some fascinating facts about November 2 according to Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

If one traces the orgins of Hooters girls to the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders then you may also want to cheer today because in 1898 cheerleading is started at the University of Minnesota with Johnny Campbell leading the crowd in cheering on the football team.
1936 - The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation is established. Which in turn is the start of crappy faux Canadiana like the Beachcomers.
The Morris Worm is launched in 1988 and Macs are still relatively virus free
And it is the Day of the Dead so the Monarch is looking for his adopted monarch butterfly family

Also if someone wanted to buy me the white and silver Sidi 6.6 shoes in size 44 today I would not complain.

It's The Big Ass Pumpkin Chuckie Brown

2007-10-31T06:41:00.000-07:00

It's Halloween and just too good not to post. Thanks for the link Jane

One day I'm gonna put a firecracker up that dog's ass.

CBS Special bumper

2007-10-29T15:04:00.000-07:00

The CBS Special Presentation bumper. The air raid siren for all kids in the 70s because it meant get to the TV, there's a cartoon coming. I doubt if there'll ever be a 5 second bumper that has as the same emotional impact.

Venture Bros did a nice spoof of this on their Christmas special