It's been so crazy over the last year that it seems like I've been neglecting this site. And I'm kind of cranky tonight because the cat shit in my bed while I was out. So I thought I'd take a few moments to do something I haven't done regularly in a while - and that's to mock television shows...like some of the Food Network offerings.
 

		For instance David Rocco's Dolce Vita. Here's a guy who looks like he's never stepped inside a kitchen in his life except to have his nonna spoon feed him. Christ whenever he picks up a knife he looks like he's going to cut his forearm off and in one episode using a whisk was too tiring for him. The sad reality of this show is it looks like he's sucked a lot of cock as The Food Network's mail clerk and as a payoff to keep him quiet they sent him to Italy. (editor's note: I was going to say something more lewd so i could use the word "jiz" because, as a bad word, jiz is not used enough. But I restrained myself). But probably the most annoying thing about the show besides the lame staged story lines, is his constant leering into the camera. You just want to kick the tv whenever he twists his smug face into view.
		And speaking af leering, there's also serial leerer, Surreal Gourmet. Yah Surreal. Right. Maybe if you're defining surrealism for kindergarden kids. His presentations are so fucking stupid it's mind blowing. And all the recipes he tries to pass off as original ideas can all be found in other cookbooks done 100 times better. The only redeeming quality of the show is the Airstream trailer.
		Of course you can't forget Chef at Wanking or Chef at Home sucking ass. Maybe it's the really bad hair. Perhaps the dorky checked clown pants. He just annoys me on all levels but I couldn't really explain why until now. He's the chef equivalent to the Canadian Tire Guy. And he deserves a boot to the head.
		And finally there's Giada De Laurentiis Everyday Italian. Now her recipes actually look very appetizing so that's not my problem with her. She talks about how much she loves some dish she's cooking but then she's so scrawny it looks like if she tasted anything she made, she'd rush to the bathroom right after to shove a finger down her throat. But really the main thing is she scares the hell out of me. She always has that mentally unstable looking smile glued to her face that makes you want to hide all sharp objects.   Back away slowly. Don't make direct eye contact.