After spending an afternoon looking for a decent pair of uptight office proletariat pants that aren't a $100 or look like an awful reminder of a 1980s grad suit, I'm pondering the idea of getting a green pair of Dickies. They're definitely not jeans and they look better than what most businessmen wear in this town.

Call me (call me) on the line
Call me, call me any, anytime
Call me (call me) my love
You can call me any day or night
Call me

Or at least for the next 2 months while I have unlimited hours. I now have the ability to phone people while driving, renting movies, or any where else I can be a pest in public. The phone will also be in the center pocket of my cycling jersey should you find my body on the side of the road and feel the need to call 911.

Now that Joe Millionaire is over, I can't wait for Evan to stretch out into an acting career. He's got the expressive range not seen in Hollywood since a young Gil Gerard burst onto the screen in Buck Rogers. Can't you totally see him taking on the lead roles in a remake of Cronenberg's Dead Ringers then a turn as Crassus in Spartacus on Broadway? Just take a look at some of these headshots, it truly shows the range of emotions in his repitoire:
The shy sensitve Evan
Curious scientist Evan
Mysterious yet dangerous Evan
Primal rage Evan
Soulful man-child Evan

Signs you might be loosing it. About to take contact lens out and reaching for your ear instead of your eye.

At least the Submariner seemed like he was perpetually pissed off. Face it, being a underwater superhero isn't all that interesting. There aren't too many super villains concerned with pulling big underwater heists. You don't have any cool powers like shooting things out of your hands, or flying, or flying and shooting things out of your hands. Even having something like a big ass hammer to wing at bad guys with is way better than talking to fish and riding around on big sea horse. And to top it off, after being underwater so long you'd probably stink really bad when you got out of the ocean.

Remember that episode of the Super Friends where they were having a picnic and Aquaman jumps out of the water and says,"Mmmm buttermilk biscuits". Yeah. Aquaman is useless. That scene pretty much sums up his lameness.

For more super hero action figures from the past check out Mego World. The Silver Surfer doll always was particularly shoddy.

Hello. Where are you? I tried to phone but you're not there and I grow weary of talking to these felines. Guess I'll have to put on my snowmobile suit and sit in the bushes outside your window. If you hear any scratching that's me in the crawl space under your house.

Why am I so bloody exhausted? Feel like I haven't done anything to warrant feeling tired let alone anything that would burn enough calories to equal one Twizzler. By 12:30 it's a struggle to stay focused, like I picked up some mutant form of instant narcolepsy from a warm toilet seat or door knob. By 4:30 it's lights out on the couch with a cat snoozing on my chest.

With all these celebrity reality shows on the go, how come no one has contacted Gerardo Mejia aka Rico Suave.

James Last icons for Mac and PC. Why? You might ask. Oh, because I can.

And behind door number 2
I'm thinking of starting a new website. It'll be called, Things I Don't Want to Find In The Building's Clothes Dryer. Someone's frilly undies is number one on that list. Ewwwwwwww.

Mike E was kind enough to send along this scan from a Cadbury promotional LP. The fine assortment of Cadbury treats featured include the Bar Six wrapper I was looking for, as well as a Rum & Butter that I had forgotten completely. The playlist on this album is worth a look - Ray Conniff doing Candyman, Andre Kostelanetz doing Make Me Smile. The only thing missing is James Last doing White Rabbit.

Hug me! Squeeze me! Tug at my fur! It's the Night Porter teddy bear! Obviously inspired by Charlotte Rampling in The Night Porter. And he will carry your bags.

The Oscars nominations have gone out for this year, but I'm thinking ahead to 2004. You know with a cast like this, Fate is going to be cleaning up in all categories next time round.

It must be Valentine's day - I saw many fratboys scrambling into Hallmark shops in a desparate search for a card to go with their Rohypnol. In keeping with the romance of the day, I thought I'd share some of the quality romantic search terms for this site. All are copied and pasted verbatim from my Summary report.

• barbie bondage
• bondage barbie
• masturbate
• hermaphrodite
• i hate jared from subway
• finnish porn stars
• slutty swedes
• meaning of dushbag
• cat runny poo
• vigina looks
• the most biggest pussy cat in the word
• why jesse is a dork
• adrian zmed same time next year 2003
• "cat urine" duvet
• how to boil hotdogs
• testicle gigantism photo
• what the fuck happened to little richard the guy looks like a fuck

Yes Craptastic gets Grade A surfers as well as graduates from the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good and Would Like To Do Other Things.

And in other Brit news, the Chef just got a teaching post at The University of Manchester. I'm sure Becks and Posh will invite him to dinner and maybe he can help Posh relaunch her music career.

Can I ship Pushkin over to decorate your flat?

Found this cool site of animated British TV logos off of Poopscape.

Hot damn! Dr. Pepper Slurpee.

Today...
the increasing length of this

Combined with...
this new necklace

Is making me look more like beach bum. If only I could tan this pasty flesh.

Some days go smoothly until I think about reality. Then I freak out. This angst always seems to happen on tuesdays. Trying to decide when to totally pack up this place. The alternative living accomodations look so grim and depressing. I like this place, especially now that the bathroom sink doesn't regurgitate the next door neighbour's chili everyday. The cats like it and cat puke and poop is easy to clean off of hardwood. It's roomy and full of natural light. But the rent is getting too hefty to justify when paychecks aren't steady. The next place I rent will probably be small and dank. I'd think about getting a roommate but how do you sell anyone on a lifestyle that involves a grumpy old cat crawling under their bedsheets to vomit.

If you're looking for new cutlery. No green fairies sighted yet.

Was on the lookout for an image for and old Bar 6 chocolate bar wrapper but no such luck. The closest was a portion of one used on a Wedding Present seven inch single. Did find a technology site for M. deWit

Can't...hold..on....
Watch out for that winged cat. I could spend days goofing around on this site.

This argument could probably be expanded to include almost every established religion.

It's so comforting to wake up in the middle of the night and find cat puke inches from your face.

When you need to rock out, it's the true definition of "Given'r"

This month's skating spectacular, an on ice review of F-Troop featuring Flea, Tom Waits & babboon, John Lydon, and Klaus Kinski. Coming next month, the amazing skating triumvirate of Brian Jones, Nick Cave, and Dean Martin who will perform Carmen followed by Smurfs on Ice (special guest Toller Cranston plays Gargamel)

Dropping a 35 pound weight on my toes. Ramming the side of my hip into a hand rail while running stairs. What a fan-fucking-tastic way to start the day.

Chapter 8: In which we put on a tubular
This is the easy version I learned about 12 years ago. If you where going to use the wheel for a crit or on the velodrome where there's a higher chance of rolling the tire, you might want to do it the absolute correct way instead. But this works fine for posers like me. I may have embedded sunglasses into my eyebrows in crashes over the years but none were ever caused by a rolled tire. Whatever you do don't listen to any tips Bicycling Magazine tells you about changing tubulars - it's the People Magazine of the bike world.

Part 1

Step 1 Things you'll need. Tubular Tire (today's model is a Continental Sprinter), a tube of tubular glue, and 1 Milkbone. Oh yeah, and a wheel needing a tire would be helpful too.

Step 2 Stretch the tire as much as possible. The more it's stretched the easier is goes on. Notice the chipped MAC Dubonnet coloured nailpolish on big toe. This might have to be touched up later. Note: Certain brands of tires and certain rims are sometimes easier or sometimes more difficult to work with.

Step 3 Give the dog next door the Milkbone and hopefully he'll stop barking at squirrels. Then put a very thin coat of glue on the tape that goes round the inside of the tire. Try not to get any glue on your hands - it's extremely sticky. And you know what those church people are always telling you about "sticky fingers".

Step 4 Get a cat toy. You'll have some time to kick back while waiting for the glue to dry so play with the pets. Here a simple shoe string is entertaining one of the cats.

Part 2 - The S is for Sucks Step 1 Put a thin coat glue on to the wheel rim. DO NOT listen to what Bicycling-wank Magazine says about cleaning all the old glue off. It'll take you days to get the old crap off and you actually want the old glue to help bond the tire to the rim.

Step 2 Call some friends see it they want to put the tire on for you. When they decline because they know what a pain in the ass this part is have some Scotch. Today it's Aberlour because it's one of my favorites and it's the only drinkable Scotch I have right now.

Step 3 While that last coat of glue is still tacky, put the tire on the rim. Work from the valve downwards towards your toes (you can get your weight into it and make it easier). Pull the tire hard with equal force on both sides. If you're lucky you'll be able to get a piece of the tire on to the rim all the way round. Getting the final section on is always a bitch of a time.

Step 4 You're probably sweating from all that work or maybe you have to go to the bathroom. Watch out again for sticky fingers - it could be dangerous in a situation like that.

Step 5 Don't dally too long. You want to do this part before the glue sets up. Center the tire on the rim Sometimes using the tape edge as a reference helps.

Step 6 Put a wee bit of air into the tire and spin it. Check the tire for any wobbles. If you notice that it doesn't look like the tire is sitting properly, now is the time to center it and get it right.

Step 7 While the tire is still not fully inflated, give it a bit of a roll while pressing down on it. This'll press the tire to the rim and hopefully help more tire surface to stick to the rim.

Step 8 Inflate the tire "Trés Dur!" Let the wheel sit overnight so the glue cures properly and it's ready to go. This all sounds like a pain in the ass (and it is) but I still find it easier than changing a regular clincher tire.

Guess riding paper thin tubular tires over gravel covered road shoulders wasn't a good idea after all. But now I can put the new orange tubular tires on that look so nice with my bike.

A new Craptastic product.