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blog Jam
An ongoing log mainly concerned with the bowel movements of small mammals - or so it seems.
 
Tuesday, April 30, 2002

More Bad Sci-fi TV
lost world
You know, considering all the people, aliens, robots, nazis, and timetravellers wandering through its forests I don't think this place is all that Lost.
permacrap

15 minutes on the bike then hit a hail storm. Pretty much sums up how this week is shaping.
permacrap
Monday, April 29, 2002

Giro Case
I hate helmets. I always will. But look at the nice case my new helmet comes with!
permacrap
Sunday, April 28, 2002

Murphy dog
A breakthrough in sleep technology - The Murphy Dog
permacrap

Always the innovator, this afternoon Pushkin created a magnificent waterfall of vomit from the top of the Cat Condo.
permacrap
Saturday, April 27, 2002

Hopefully this will keep me in tatter-free bike clothes for a while.

The beauty of full-zip jerseys is I don't have to raise my arms at the end of a ride to peel them off.
permacrap
Friday, April 26, 2002

Dog 2 Phase 4 - Dermis
Dog 2 Part 4
permacrap

It's the 24 hour Festival of Cat Puke.
permacrap
Thursday, April 25, 2002

The cats are both sneezing, I feel like crap even with a mint julep and akvavit. Du Jour means cleanliness. Du Jour means wearing your seat belt.
permacrap

Important to do list for today. Find an ascot. Get lotto ticket. Time permitting, get detergent.
permacrap
Wednesday, April 24, 2002


This fellow was renowned for his ability to set telephone poles.
permacrap
Tuesday, April 23, 2002

Elvis is Everywhere...

he's even looking at dinosaur remains. He traded in the Cadillac for an Oldsmobile to throw people off
 

Flying lizard in sky. Turok will shoot honker with flaming arrow.
permacrap

Definitely brass monkey weather.
 
@ = Miukumauku
permacrap
Sunday, April 21, 2002

Dog 2 Phase 3 - Jackie Chan Cable Flex
Dog 2 Part 3
permacrap

Arrr, if it be hidden treasure ye seek then go north half a knot from the Calgary Remand Centre then 5 paces east. There ye shall find Spanish doubloons and the Jade Marsupial. You'll also find a 1970s harvest gold vinyl footstool.
permacrap
Friday, April 19, 2002

All these Library-referenced occurences are really starting to unnerve me. At the BFA show two of the freakest freak library lurkers were there. One who was trying to invent a new source of power, a perpetual motion machine, or find some hidden pirate treasure. The other was the bottle-glasses, do not make direct eye contact, don't make any sudden movements, mentally disturbed woman. Had this fear of Mr.Fuck or Doctor Gum appearing the whole time. Then after show who should appear but Super-Spanky or Spankmaster (can't remember which one he was just that he usually smelt like a wet fart).
 
Oh yeah. The show. It was better than I thought but had to leave feeling really cooked, spacey, and disoreinted from 2 hour bike ride right before the opening. Keep forgetting I function worse than normal in crowds (which isn't great to begin with) after rides.
permacrap

Having now spent many months studying bad sci-fi fight scenes on daytime television, I'd like to share some practical self-defense techniques I've gleaned.
 
Caine

Kung-Fu the Legend Continues
The object here is to move as slow as possible. This tricks your opponent into thinking your brain dead from dropping too much acid in the 1970s and therefore pose no threat.

highlander

Highlander the Series
Here it isn't in how you finish your opponent off but how you look after finishing him off. After severing a head the idea is to strike a theatrical rock star pose à la Freddie Mercury - preferably with one hand straight up in the air. This allows you to suck in the fog from the smoke machine most efficiently. Also, ponytails give you immense power.

Kirk
Kirk 2
Kirk 3

The Kirk Maneuver
Capt James T. Kirk the Master. There are several methods for different situations you might encounter.

  1. Initial Move
    In any situation it's imperative to rip your 100% polyester shirt to expose a freshly shaved chest. This increases your strength to weight ratio 4 times over.
  2. When at gun point
    Lead captor through doorway. Once through doorway wheel around suddenly and grab weapon from captor's hand (they'll never think of pulling the trigger on someone leaping at them).
  3. Hand to Hand 1
    Grapple as much as possible then finish opponent with double handed Karate Chops to the sides of the neck. A sure TKO.
  4. Hand to Hand 2
    If grappling is not possible fall back to gain space. Run and launch yourself in flying kick with both feet. Not knowing how to respond to such a foolish move, your opponent will freeze in his tracks and recieve the kick directly in the chest.
  5. When Bound
    Lecture opponent with the ideals of the purity of the human race or the Fascist ideals that make up Star Fleet. This will undoubtably gain your release and destroy any advanced computer system sustaining an ecosystem.
  6. When scantily-clad space chicks are involved
    Always teach them about "love".

permacrap
Thursday, April 18, 2002

Delicious Bourbon...Brownest of the brown liquors...What's that? You want me to drink you?
permacrap

Where everything is Big (except the hip socket that always broke).
permacrap

Lincoln Town Car
Since I was driving around 11:00 AM - the witching hour for octogenarians to get in their cars and head to the nearest Co-op Store - I had a couple thoughts... When I get really old and decrepit I'd like to be prevented from buying a Lincoln Town Car or similar big ass vehicle. And if I need an air tank to breathe, it's probably time I should give up my driving license. Oh yeah, a supply of Depends would be an added bonus - then I'd be able to drive to the Co-op, do some left hand turns into traffic at red lights, and be home to watch Mattlock without any pitstops.
permacrap
Wednesday, April 17, 2002

Damn Amazing Race. Why couldn't the skanky separated couple or the skanky frat boys who want to steal the skanky separated couple woman be eliminated.
permacrap

My dog needs a hat.
permacrap

New boots and panties
Domo Jersey Domo Bibs
Wonder how long they'll last before before being ripped apart going across the hood of a car or laying it down on a corner.
permacrap
Tuesday, April 16, 2002

Slim Whitman

permacrap

In a very special episode of 7th Heaven the eldest son (Rufus Wainright) converts to Judaism then deals with circumcision and "morning wood". Randolph Mantooth guest stars.
permacrap
Monday, April 15, 2002

Dog 2 Phase 2 - First Protein Shake
Dog 2 Protein Shake
permacrap
Sunday, April 14, 2002

60s Cartoons...When it seemed like every animator had escaped from a CIA drug experiment.
Tales of the Wizard of Oz
permacrap

Another example of why the Canadian government should never have been involved in the entertainment industry.
permacrap

100th running of Paris-Roubaix went today
Cassini on Pavè
 
Johan Museeuw won for the 3rd time
Johan Museeuw
permacrap
Saturday, April 13, 2002

Are my 15 minutes up now? Funny, think he ended up just quoting the site instead of anything said during the interview - which is okay since I interview like a fool hepped up on goof balls.
permacrap
Friday, April 12, 2002

Mac and wife
For all your DJ needs.
permacrap

Dog 2 Phase 1 - Frame
Dog 2 frame
Decided to start Dog 2 even though I'm lacking bat wings and rotating fez.
permacrap
Thursday, April 11, 2002

Strawberry ShortcakeNot a terribly productive day. Today's high/lowlights include:
  • More horrendous reminders of my past Library days
  • Buying Shaggy bendable figure
  • Spotting very rich mall kids in very expensive goth clothing
  • Not finding suitable bat wings
  • Spotting other "cool" school kids who looked more like Strawberry Shortcake because of their silly floppy hats.
  • Questioning if RadioShack really needs my phone number when I buy batteries
  • 2.5 hour afternoon nap on couch with cat

permacrap

And now to stagger through the house with my old man post-ride shuffle and lay in the shower for a half hour.
permacrap

First morning ride of the year. Knew I should have shaved my legs last night...
permacrap
Wednesday, April 10, 2002

I bet with the cape and thigh-high boot attachments, my new watch will shoot death rays at on-coming traffic.
permacrap
Tuesday, April 09, 2002

I want to start a movement to ban the font Lithos. Especially its Bold and Black incarnations.
permacrap

Puttering about with a .htaccess file is not a big deal.
 
Your FTP client not spotting the existing .htaccess file and overwriting it with a crappy one is a big big big deal and makes you feel bad bad bad.
(Of course after the fact I slapped my head and asked myself "Why the fuck didn't I just go in with BBEdit instead?")

permacrap

Fresh from the brother in Sweden. Demon spawn tormenting kids (mov).
permacrap
Monday, April 08, 2002

Big Turk
It never fails this time of year that if I'm out for a ride and bonk, this uncontrollable craving for a Nestle Big Turk chocolate bar comes over me in the struggle to get home. If I don't manage to stagger into a 7-11 enroute to grab one I end up going through a bag of chocolate chip cookies after dragging my sorry ass in the door.
permacrap

Lemon Fresh FSA! It's a new laundry cleaner. Yes FSA (Feline Stomach Acid) will rid any shirt of ring around the collar...Pushkin was up to his old tricks last night and puked the chunks of carpet he thought he should eat all over some clothes I left laying out. On the positive side, by setting the clocks an hour ahead he now howls at the ceiling at 4 in the morning instead of 3.
permacrap
Sunday, April 07, 2002

S & M DVD
Yet another reason I need to get a DVD player.
permacrap

lowrider
If someone had left me keys to the garage I could have had the Volvo X-Country coverted and ready to go when they got back. Side pipes and flames optional.
permacrap

Biggest Potato
permacrap
Saturday, April 06, 2002

Munster Mobiles   ElectraWoman and DynaGirl
Looking for a new family car or something to commute to work?
permacrap
Friday, April 05, 2002

Oh, in case you've got your gun out and you're out hunting vandals, you might want to use this as a reference.
Hunter's Manual
permacrap

A new culinary treat
Recipe for Vandalism Pie
(as quoted in "Vandals Wild")
  1. A gang,
  2. of teenage,
  3. males,
  4. with an automobile,
  5. and often drinking beer, wine, gin, or liquor,
  6. vandalizing a park or campground or facility,
  7. at night,
  8. where surveillance is light or nil.
Now you're probably asking yourself what course of action should you take if you run across such a pie. Here are some possible solutions Joseph W. Bennett outlines (you might want to skip the niceties and go right to the final four):
  • Do nothing. Go back to bed, hoping the vandals will go away.
  • Send your two young boys over to the drunk "Teenties" group to ask them to be quiet and to go home.
  • Ask your wife to approach the group and plead with them to leave
  • Wake up another camper and ask him to do something.
  • Get your gun out of the tent or station wagon.
  • Find a witness, an adult who will make observations with you.
  • Try to move close to the vandals' automobiles to accurately record their description and license numbers.
  • You and a witness observe the group closely and note carefully what violations of the law are being committed.
  • Approach the group and ask them to stop and leave.
  • Make a Citizens Arrest.
  • Call the police. (What if no telephone is nearby?)
  • Call some governmental officials.
  • Take the law into your own hands.
  • Swear at the vandals, argue with them.
  • Shoot their automobile tires with your rifle.
  • Take your gun, tell the vandals to "Stick 'em up!" or you'll shoot.
  • Gather a mob of campers and go "get" the vandals.

permacrap

A special Chef treat: Vandals Wild: a Shocking Exposé of Vandalism and Misconduct in Our National Parks and Recreation Areas ©1969 by Joseph W. Bennett. This book brought hours of entertainment years back while toiling at the library. In it you'll find out how to send your wife and children out to confront vandals, how to shoot vandals' tires, and the difference of between gin and liquor.
permacrap
Thursday, April 04, 2002

Knob Creek
permacrap
Wednesday, April 03, 2002

Spent the last 2 hours on the phone doing an interview about the Cancon section. Think I ended up sounding like a bigger moron than usual. And then I found a spider climbing up my leg.
permacrap

Having typing dementia all this week. My mind thinks one thing. My fingers type something completely different. God knows what I've said in emails.
permacrap

Nicotine Lollipops. How many licks till you reach the Tootsie Roll center?
Nicotine Lollipops
permacrap

Wonder if I'd impress any government civil servants today if I show up for this brainwashing session dressed like PeeWee Herman.
permacrap
Tuesday, April 02, 2002

Been writing up all the forms the Unemployment people want me to produce tomorrow at the "session". I apologize in advance to all on my "Job Search Record" hopefully this is just another piece a paper that they file somewhere and they don't actually harangue people about who's been calling about jobs.
permacrap

TinTin
There.
permacrap

Today Rory will make my hair more managable. Wonder if I could pull off pink Easter Bunny hair.
permacrap
Monday, April 01, 2002

If my hair gets any longer I think I'm dangerously close to looking like Andy Travis.
permacrap

Items I need:
  • Fez-like object
  • Small motor device
  • Bag of Robin Hood Flour
  • Plywood
  • Bat wings

permacrap
 



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