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Stan Rogers
One of my favorite reader submissions:
"that dead bastard, Stan and his brother Garnet should top the list. Stan Rogers' wife is a rich, rich woman from the apparantly 24/7 devotion to the family the CBC has shown for the last decade. CBC radio "all Stan Rogers all Day."His medicore folk, bloated by cancon requirements for years and years, should have been going to more worthy Canadian artists."
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Nickelback
Canada's answer to Bush (or Bush X as they used to be called here) who are Teenbeat Magazine's answer to Nirvana. Somehow took their dull bar rock to an international suckage level.
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Sweeney Todd
Want to increase reasons to slag both Bryan Adams and Nick Gilder? Look no further than crap glam rock Sweeney Todd.
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Rita MacNeil
Another reader submission:
"I have just as much desire to clutter this area with fat jokes as the next guy. I'm no fan of the music either, but I think that these days with looks like that if you can A) Sell at least a few albums here and there, B) have ANY large number of fans (even if they are all over 50 and live in Nova Scotia), and C) keep a bland TV series featuring mainly your homely ass (watched mainly by the above group) for more than a season, you deserve a bit of respect. Junkhouse performing on her show was good for a laugh. She looked just horrified. That's like booking Marilyn Manson at an Up With People concert."
- Spy
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Remy Shand
How to be a soulfull R&B singer: 1) sing meanless songs slowly in falsetto 2) wear a big poncy knit hat. The lesson here is that neither will save you from sucking big time.
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John James
"Big Fat Soul"? Maybe a couple grams fatter than Bootsauce's version of soul. "I Want To Know"? No not really. Sprung out of Sylum. Came across as yet another pet project of MuchMusic.
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Universal Honey
Another great submission:
"Born out another crappy band, The Pursuit of Happiness, they thought they were better than all other Canadian bands and went to play in the US. Then they got their sorry asses beaten back by the Americans to where they belong, crapland. Boring songs sung by an equally boring singer."
- J.C.
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Tu
I've got this idea. Lets find "hot looking" teen twins, dress them in miniskirts, make some sexy videos, and try to rotate them heavily on MuchMusic. And we'll call them something clever like "Tu" (get it - Twins - Two - Tu)...
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Mid 80s Vancouver. Springsteen at his apex. What better thing to do than become a psuedo-Springsteen psuedo-cover band and sing about the bus strike. Simply unlistenable. No wonder he's wearing a mask.
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Posed as Canada's "alternative rock band". A band with so little charisma,
imagination or inspiration it should never be imitated. Was it just me or did they
manage to work the lyrics "nevvverrrrrr understand" into every one of their
songs?
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80s big hair "Rock Star". Did the Richard Marx style power love ballads at a third of the wattage.
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A fifth rate version of Loverboy and a third rate version of Poison. There was a reason they never made it anywhere else but Canada - they sucked. I told you all in the 80s they sucked but nobody was listening.
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Truely a band that never should have made it out of the 80s but by constant public torment and an idiot's bank account manage to keep releasing albums. I'm being honest when I ask "who the fuck is buying their albums?" I've yet to meet someone who'll fess up owning one.
LATE BREAKING NEWS! admits to having "Selection". Damn.
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Early 80s guitar god. The last time I heard a song from this album was about
1994, it was blasting out of a
'73 Chevelle which was somehow fitting. Life is just a fantasy...for 15 minutes.
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Chalk Circle
Named after Bertolt Brecht's "" because they were really deep and literary. They
were the next U2 when one is still too much. Bastardized a great song.
Also see letters to the Editor in defense of Chalk Circle.
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Terry David Mulligan (TDM)
Not a musician by trade but a useless media personality. When not being a jerk, spends his time interviewing Long John Baldry and kissing Bryan Adams's ass. Banal, vapid, and an all round jackass. Contributions to Cancon: early 80s host of Good Rocking Tonight one of the first music video shows in Canada where he flogged CanCon and kissed Bryan Adams's ass. Then moved to Much Music where he continued to kiss Bryan Adams's ass and interviewed Long John Baldry on a weekly basis.
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Not really a canadian, just plays one on TV. Gets suckage points for retelling his "Marc Bolan's last hours" story to TDM over and over and over and over.
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God I hate them. Cloying and annoying.
Blame Much Music's Speaker's Corner for these twats and CanCon for their continued
support when they should have gone away. I'd rather listen to Stompin' Tom masturbate than listen to these asses.
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Sometimes when we touch, the stomach bile is too much. I'll forgive him for getting loads of cash because it must suck to be Dan Hill.
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Calgary anchorman Darryl Janz's brother, nephew, or something. Think what passion
a news anchorman would bring to a song, add children to the video to pull the heart
strings, and you're cooking with gas. Rivaled Zappacosta for sheer dufus looks.
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Alan Thicke
Yes Alan Thicke. Co-wrote the themes to Diff'rent Strokes and Facts of Life with
then wife Gloria Loring. Remember his musical salute to Toronto's Sky Dome? Do I really need to expand on this?
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Sherriff
Guess what! No talent + from Toronto = air play. Two of this superstar lineup went
on to form Frozen Ghost.
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Frozen Ghost
Now I'm assuming that they're named after a Rimbaud poem because hackneyed musicians love to look to Rimbaud to cover their lack of imagination. Of course I could be wrong and they came up with a really crappy name on their own. I don't put it past a wanker named Wolf Hassel to come up with an equally stupid band name. Frozen Ghost made music that was so painful. It's sort of like if your best friend wrote music and you didn't want to tell him how much it blows because he's so deluded that he thinks it can be a hit. It's that kind of listening experience.
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I'll be damned. Ian was right - Frozen Ghost part 2. When will Arnold Lanni realise he has no talent.
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Toronto
Toronto: A) Center of the universe. B) Most hated city in Canada. C) Second rate hard rock band. I should give them points for being fronted by 2 grrrls... but I won't.
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I'm going to take heat for this one. A true Canadian, paid his dues, blah blah blah.
Harmless yes. But sorry, he sucks. He wrote the same song thousands of times over
and accompanied himself with a piece of plywood. Maybe it's because I was just exposed
to him too much as a child.
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Did you know produced one of their albums? It's true. It's a Canadian fact.
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...or underwear. Listen to the "Safety Dance" in it's entirety. I dare you. Temporary redemption to Banal status with "Pop goes the world" only to fall back to Dreck with Ivan's solo career.
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Idle Eyes
When I was in high school, Yvonne aledgely went out with their lead singer. Who's Yvonne and why should that make the band important? Well I think you've just answered your question.
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A lot of miles on her ______ . Shows you what "knowing" a Much Music VeeJay
will get you. Tsk tsk Christopher Ward.
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Has also tormented Canada with solo work. Moved to L.A. to make it big. Gets suckage rating lowered slightly for his work on Fromage. Last seen playing guitar in Austin Power's . Matthew Sweet how could you?
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The Dale Sisters - Cynthia and Jennifer.
Riding on Peter Mansbridge's back (or something else). Need a lead actress for your
Canadian produced series? You've got a 50% chance of getting one and 50% of getting the other. Renowned for their ability to whisper their lines because that means they're acting. They're also known to occasionally "try" their hands at singing because you see, they are so very wonderfully talented. I'm still surprised they don't have bigger creases around their mouths...
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Canada's answer to Jon Anderson and/or Dennis DeYoung as if the world needed an answer.
In fact I believe he's replacing Mr. DeYoung in a re-formed Styx. Please call him
Lawrence not Larry, he's a serious artist you know.
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Barney Bentall and the legendary Hearts
Or was that Barney Genital....
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Big hair, bad songs.
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Part of me tries to like the loungeness of him but he's CBC through and through.
Shmoooze the in-crowd, produce nothing of any value, then make the rounds on every
Canadian Broadcasting forum.
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Orca the killer whale, She was supposed to be "soulful"...or maybe that was
"so foul".
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Devon
One of Canada's great new rappers in the late 80s. You remember Mr Metro? Don't you?
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Wild T and the Spirit
Canada's answer to Jimmie Hendrix. Yesssss, that's exactly what they were. Gets extra suckage points for Frozen Ghost connection.
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Acappella groups should be banned from recording studios no matter what their nationality.
You know they're just going to use it as an excuse to record "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight" one more grating time. And they did.
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Partland Brothers
Soulless singing of their hit "Soul City". Shit City, that's where I'm
heading. Hey guess what, they're from, Toronto.
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Worse than MOR, Kiddy pop Canadian MOR. Oh just have your wank and leave. Remember
the conscious raising photo-op for the plight of First Nations people with their Diamond
Sun album? Yeah they cared and they shared. Their shit that is.
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Lead singer from Glass Tiger. The lesson here is that just because your kiddy pop group was big doesn't mean your solo career will be - especially when there's no talent to back it up. All that's left is to regroup the band and do revival tours playing to middle aged housewives.
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Guitarists like him for some unknown reason, they must not have heard his albums. Alegedly played the blues. Failing at that, he jumped on the retro bandwagon and continued to annoy by playing "big band" music. Sucks on all counts.
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Tell me again why I should like these guys? They're witty? Yeah like a hammer to
the head. Once again I invoke the acappella rule.
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The Raes
Disco, Canada style! Very few will remember their work and that's not a bad thing.
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The double dog dare: 1) sit through the Superman MMMM MMMM video 2) make it through
without wanting to kill the singer.
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I could never decide whether I hated them because of the bad name or the folky pretentions
of their music. Hey it's both. Later became Ginger after ditching a member because
it was all about the music.
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A poor man's Doors clone that continue to protest about Doors comparisons yet still
try to sing, act, and look like the Doors.
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On the one hand, it's hard to knock to Helix because they have been through some
legitimately rough times. But on the other, it ironically brings them even closer
to .
"Puppet show and Helix" anyone?
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Another "soulful" diva singing the usual fluff. Harmless treacle but how
often do you play her albums now? Once described by a CBC news mannequin
as "Luba with an edge". That's not a good sign for any artist.
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Canada's generic new wave band? Or a bunch of rich wanks?
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Play competent but generic country with an Archie Andrews clone at the helm. They
were going to be placed in the but got negative points for trying to ditch their drummer because he wanted a sex change.
This from a band named after a bull testicle entree.
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Haywire
Prince Edward Island's contribution to 80s guitar rock. I should be nice. I could be related to them.
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Canada's metal queen turned .
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I remember in grade 7 listening to the "smoker kids" arguing over which was the best band Trooper or Prism. Guess what, they both sucked.
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See above.
As a side note: believes Axel Rose and the singer from Prism are actually the same person. You be the judge.
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Harlequin
Insert into above argument as well.
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B4-4
FREAKS! FUCKING FREAKS!
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Zuckerbaby
Wankerbaby. Don't quit your day jobs at HMV boys.
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Tommy Hunter
"The Dead Skeleton" as dad used to call him. Churning out hours of torment and HeeHaw style music over the CBC.
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The most disposable member of the Band and yet the one that seems to get the most airtime. Produced Neil Diamond albums and even drug him on stage for the Last Waltz. Bottom line is that he's a putz. Released the most critically overhyped album of 1987.
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Rene Simard
In the 70s, CBC decided he could single handedly fill the French-Canadian quota of CanCon. They gave him a variety show and flogged him whenever possible. His guest spot on the Beachcombers was particularly wretching. I think he had a sister that followed.
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Lava Hay
Sometimes it's just too easy to throw rocks so it's not even worth the effort. Get bonus suckage points for shitty name.
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Why in would anyone remake a Godley & Creme song? More suckage points for spawning Prozzak.
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I'm assuming the reason they always appear in cartoon form is to avoid being recognized on the street and consequently stoned to death.
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One of those CanCon "stars" you want to forget. Big in Germany the way david Hasslehoff is.
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Possibly the weakest "jazz" singer voice I've heard outside a comedy skit. I guess if you sing something slow enough it constitutes soul.
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Doucette
Prism/Trooper/Harlequin only in singular form.
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Prism/Trooper/Harlequin only in blues form.
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Finally, Canadian arena rock! Got the magic power...hey wait a minute this really sucks...
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Tariq
Sounds like some kind of new fangled wrench.
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The Odds
What are the odds that music this dull would get airplay without CanCon?
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Bootsauce
The Luke Warm Chilipeppers. I toyed with placing them in the At least they tried section. But then I heard them again.
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The problem with political bands is that they generally are so full of themselves that they don't see what hypocritcal yobs they are. Not to mention that they generally have all the subtly of plywood. Case in point Spirit of the West.
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Ray Lyell and the Storm
The only thing worse than a Bruce Springsteen impersonator is a Bruce Springsteen impersonator that sounds like Bob Seeger. And now may I introduce Ray Lyell and the Storm.
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Jack DeKeyzer
One of the few cases where Much tried to ram someone down our throats but he sucked so bad even they had to give up. Also falls into the Ray Lyell arguement.
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Acts like this should have died with Tommy Hunter and Hymn Sing.
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In pursuit of Sally Jesse Rapheal's glasses. Had potential unfortunately fell very short.
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For how many years and how many times I've seen this album in second hand record stores...
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West End Girls
Gee, I guess if I had no talent and my father was in a lame band like Chiliwack, I'd get a record deal too.
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Mendelson Joe
I don't dispute his activism and causes. However, I really dispute his music. Can something that got so much attention and support from people like Moses Znaimer really be considered "outsider" art.
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Candi and the Backbeat
Later shortened to just Candi to capitalize on her limited appeal. Should have stayed playing Community Halls.
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Andrew Cash
I think he was trying to do the Canadian Billy Bragg thing but didn't pull it off that successfully.
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Pretends to be a children's entertainer but seems more like a greedy shill grabbing money for dull dull dull music. Just a side note, what's with a show that has a grown man lurking in the woods for the sole purpose of "entertaining" kids. Sounds like something the RCMP should know about.
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The Waltons
Goodnight Poppa, goodnight John Boy, good bye settled stomach.
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Let's see drummer can't keep a beat, guitarist can't play, singer can't sing, songwriter can't write, TDM loves them. Sometimes naïve grrl rock is just shit. Do yourself a favour, track down an album by the Chubbies or the Donnas instead of listening to this.
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much much more still to come:
Harem Scarem,
National Velvet,
Annette Ducharme,
Sue Medley,
Rockhead,
Moffets,
Sweeney Todd,
Nick Gilder,
Sherry Kean,
Kick Axe
Lots o Nettwerk shit
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Main Argument
